Let You Down

<Private Knowledge. Your character would not know this unless they were directly involved or have been told it IC.>

<Content Warning: This post deals with heavy themes of self-harm and suicidal thoughts, including attempted suicide. The section with the attempted suicide will have a warning before you get to it.>

The Chat Log this journal is based off can be found below the end of the journal, after the section with the content warning.

Red pulsed in my eyes.

The sound of blood pumping was a roar in my ears, drowning out the sound of those around me, the smell of blood from the fountain, the disgusting rot of death that filled the torture chamber. It stripped everything else away, leaving only his face, and my hand around his throat, pinning him to the wall.

“I love you,” Lucy’s words stuck in my chest like the fangs of a scared animal. My eyes widened, something hot and wet falling from my eyes.

“No,” I whispered, shaking my head, my hair glued to a face stricken with tears I’d never wanted. “That’s... that’s not what you said.”

He looked away from me, down at my arm slowly being wrapped in fur, the claws extending with agonizing delay from my hands, like some god with a sick sense of humor had slowed time for everyone but Lucy and I. When he looked back at me, his eyes were stained with tears.

“I... I care for you, genuinely care for you.” Something deep inside me screamed at his words, told me to rip his throat open before he could finish his thought, reminded me of everything he’d admitted to doing after he said what I knew he was going to say next. “That’s why this is happening isn’t it? Because I still wanted to love people. I never... I never should have told you, never should have brought him here. Are...” The words caught in his throat. “Are you going to kill me?”

“I... I’m not here to kill you,” I choked the words out between sobs. My hand tightened around his throat against my will. “Please, I... I want to believe you, I want to help you. Just... tell me what happened. We don’t have to be the bad guys, we can help each other out of this.”

Something sharp in my stomach tore at me, ripped a snarl from my mouth as the claws on my hand finished encircling Lucy’s throat. And just like always, his face changed. Gone was the face of the man who’d comforted me when I was so close to murdering everyone in the Union, gone was the voice who’d spoken so softly and asked me to stop hurting myself to take away the pain of living with her.

Lucien’s eyes turned wild, his voice a growl. “Don’t you fucking get it? I like what I am! I like doing what I do. It’s the only thing that makes me feel...” his lips curled into a smile. “This good. I love it. I wish you loved it too, but you don’t do you? I don’t want to lie to you anymore, it’s exhausting. Why can’t you just embrace what you are? Why do you need to cling onto being the good guy?”

A voice from the altar next to Lucien spoke up, a voice that hadn’t haunted my dreams in a long time. It spoke in Unison with the corpse I’d thought I’d loved.

“You aren’t the fucking good guy, Zeldava.” Lucien said.

“You aren’t the fucking good guy, Zeldava.” Darius said.

My head snapped to the altar. He lay there, wounds seeping blood, staring at me with wild red eyes from a face half-morphed into a monster. His limbs were scattered, in the exact pieces I’d left him in on that cave floor all those years ago. But somehow they were pulling themselves back together, a sickening puppet pulled along by a force I didn’t understand.

“You know you enjoy it, right?” Their voices spoke in unison as Darius sat up from the altar, his head cocking sideways, mirroring my own. I felt my teeth begin to extend, felt the fur that was spreading like black rot up my arms reach my neck and snake its way up my ears.

“C’mon, Zelda,” Darius’ voice was soft, the sound of rain on the burning wreck of a city. “Admit it, this is what you’ve always wanted. You’re the center of everyone’s attention. You have all the power in the world. You’re going to kill Lucien, you’re going to devour Aestaril, and then you’re going to watch the light bleed from Servatius’ eyes. And you’re going to laugh and cheer, just like you did in Shadowfen when we burned that village, or Deshaan when we slaughtered that farmstead. You know what you are.”

I shook my head, felt my elongating ears hit my head from the motion. “No, please, I... this isn’t me.” Lucien’s throat tightened under the force of my clawed grip. “Lucy, this isn’t you.”

“This is what I am,” Lucien said, his words hissed. “This is what you are.”

Darius’ hollow laugh filled the room like an empty threat. “Stop pretending, Zelda. Lucy’s right. I mean, look at yourself, look at what I made you.”

My eyes fell unbidden to my body, shifting and changing as bones snapped into their new form, as the fur devoured everything I’d used to be. When I looked up, Darius was off the altar, leaning in to face me, his lips curled into a wicked grin.

“You’re a monster, Zelda.” His words were hot on my face, practically panting. “You always have been. Why else would Stendarr have given up on you?”

“No, no, stop...” I could feel my mouth moving against my will, forcing out a roar I’d never wanted to make. “This... no, please, this isn’t what I am! I’m... I’m just Zeldava.”

Darius ran his fingers through the fur that was swallowing my cheeks. “Oh? It isn’t? Tell me, would Zeldava have ignored Servatius’ stab wound? Ignored his words? Led him back here to a house with the corpse of his brother, animated by a monster you knew well enough to fuck?” His smile stabbed my chest, his eyes glowing with the same red light that was eating me alive. “Look at him, Zelda.”

I shook my head, trying to argue, making only a whimper.

“LOOK AT HIM!” Darius’ fingers gripped my jaw, snapped my head in the opposite direction, and held my gaze on Servatius, bleeding out in Aestaril’s arms. “He’s dying. How many innocent deaths does that put on your head? A hundred? A thousand? Does it even matter?” Darius’ boots thumped on the wood floor of Lucien’s torture room. He looked me dead in the eyes, blocking my view of Serv’s bleeding. “Would Zeldava Ellis, holy priestess of Stendarr, trained by Vanitus, answered by Stendarr from practically birth, destined to bring healing and light to all of His Faithful, have done any of this? Would she have let you live this long?”

Darius leaned in close, his lips brushing against mine as he kissed me. He pulled away from the kiss, fingers stroking the fur on my face. “How much longer can you tell yourself you’re not a monster before you realize the truth? If you really weren’t a monster, you’d have done everyone a favor and killed yourself the moment I bit you.”

Tears soaked my fur as my skull cracked and reshaped, the daggers of my fangs filling my muzzle. Darius stepped away, watching me with beaming eyes.

“I love you, my wolf,” Darius said, his body collapsing into ash. His voice carried on, a ghost smothering the last pieces of the woman whose body I’d stolen. “Show them the gift I gave you.”

I screamed, but the sound came out as a roar. I tried to shut my eyes, to pull my hand away, to stop my claws from moving towards Lucien’s chest. Even as they peeled away the plate of armor he was wearing, Lucien never took his eyes off me.

“Your wolf makes you strong, but your heart makes you weak. Both of you.” A smile crossed his lips as my claws plunged into his stomach, blood coating my arm as I pulled his entrails out.

My eyes snapped open.

Captain Baergulf leaned over me, hands shaking me awake. “Zeldava, wake up!” His voice was gruff, thick with his Nord accent. “They’re going to hear you screaming!”

My hands grabbed his and yanked him off me as I sat up, chest heaving. It took a few moments to quiet her snarling in my head, to force the wolf back in her cage, but eventually I looked at the Captain. “Sorry.”

“Hell of a nightmare you must have been having,” the Captain shook his head as he turned to tend to a small fire, the smell of coffee filling the air. “If you hadn’t been screaming, I’d have let you sleep through breakfast.”

My fingers ran over my hands, checking to make sure my claws weren’t out, as my eyes fell on Lucien’s horse, grazing just outside the cave the Captain and I had made camp in. My belongings were there, at the edge of the cave, exactly where I’d left them next to Servatius’ corpse. He was still thawing from Aestaril’s spell, some fresh blood starting to leak onto the Crimson Silver tabard I’d wrapped him in.

The Captain pulled my eyes back to him as he offered a plate of rations to me. I shook my head, and his brow furrowed. “You haven’t eaten in the two days we’ve been traveling across Cyrodiil. You’ve got to eat something.”

“I’m fine,” I said.

“Right, and I’m the fucking Skald-King. Sit your ass down and eat, or you’re not going to have enough strength to dig.”

I glared at him, wondered for a moment if I should just snap his neck and be done with his bullshit, and settled on scootching next to the fire and taking the food. We ate quietly for several minutes, until the silence and sounds of chewing started to get on my nerves, and I snapped.

“Why the fuck did you come this far with me?” I asked, gruffly, between bites of food. “I told you I only needed someone to get me through the Pact’s Cyrodiil gate.”

The Captain looked up from his food, staring at me with a face that was infuriatingly empathetic. He shrugged before taking another bite and chewing. When he answered, it was through a mouthful of bacon and eggs. “You seem like the kind of woman who intentionally goes on suicide missions. I wasn’t going to let someone who helped the Rift like you and your Company did die to some Covenant or Dominion dogs.”

The thought of snapping his neck crossed my mind again, but I pushed it aside, tossing my plate to the ground and standing. “Get your shit packed, we have a half day of travel to go.”

The Captain finished his food, quietly packing his things as I pulled the reins of Lucien’s horse, steadying him so I could pack my things into his saddlebags. I was too focused on getting Serv placed on the back of the horse that I hadn’t heard the Captain approach.

“Was he a friend of yours?” The Captain asked quietly, interrupting my work.

I paused and looked back at the Captain, unsure how to answer him, before returning to tying Serv to the horse. My eyes burned, and I bit back a snarl of frustration as I wiped tears from my eyes.

“Maybe in a better life.”

Our shovels hit the ground with a thud.

It wasn’t perfect. The rocks obscured the view of the Imperial City, but the tree would shield the grave from rainfall, ensuring the freshly disturbed dirt wouldn’t run down the hill and expose Serv’s body. The Captain had produced a couple of stones from his pack, a small but clear marker of the grave that would soon be lost under leaves and grass.

My feet carried me away from the grave, resting to look down the hill, across the river, towards the ruins of the Imperial City. I wiped my hands on my ruined, blood-stained tabard before returning it to the grass where I’d left it.

“Gods, fucking stop,” I muttered as I wiped at the tears under my eyes.

The Captain coughed expectantly. I turned, starting to regret my decision not to snap his neck, and saw him standing above Serv’s grave, his arms crossed, his eyes on me and full of that empathetic grief that made me want to hit him.

“Do you want to... say a few words?” He asked.

I scoffed, shaking my head. “No, I’ve done enough.”

The Nord’s face softened. “No man should go without the words of a friend to comfort him. And if he didn’t have any friends, the words of the woman who carried him to his homeland will have to do.”

I really should have snapped his neck.

My eyes drifted to the fresh grave, and I sighed. “Fine, fine.”

I stepped closer, pausing, words dancing at the edge of my tongue. The words I’d said dozens of times at Legion funerals paused at the back of my throat, held back as I remembered Stendarr ignoring my plea to save Serv’s life. It seemed like blasphemy to say a prayer to Stendarr now, over the grave of someone who was dead because I’d failed him so miserably.

“I...” The sentence I’d started gave up, wrecking whatever thought or composure I’d had. My words choked on a sob I’d have sworn I’d told to fuck off. The Captain waited, quietly, eyes closed.

“You deserved a lot better, Serv,” I said. The words came slowly at first, but poured themselves out faster than I could stop them. “You deserved a brother who loved you, a friend who could say something more than the bullshit I’m saying now, and a woman who trusted you. You deserved to see your home again, to celebrate life with loved ones, to drink and laugh and die happy, instead of bleeding out and being buried hundreds of feet from the city you’ll never get to see again. I... I can’t...”

The sobs were back. They pulled at something deep, tore it to shreds and left its confidence bleeding in my stomach. I collapsed to my knees, my arms wrapped tight around my chest. Captain Baergulf eased himself down next to me, his hand gripping my shoulder. They lasted a long time, forcing me to heave and cry, leaving me at their mercy until they finally stopped, the grass thick with my tears.

“I can’t ever ask for your forgiveness,” I said, my throat on fire from the sobbing. “I don’t deserve it. And I can’t promise to honor your memory, because I never knew you. All I can do is promise to make this right. I won’t... I won’t let you down again, Servatius. I promise.”

Captain Baergulf stood after one last squeeze to my shoulder. “We still have half a day of light left. With hard riding, we might make it to Pact territory before any patrols stroll up.”

I stood slowly, shakily, eyes anywhere but the mound of dirt that reminded me of what I’d came here to do. “Go on without me, Captain. I have business in Cheydinhal.”

The Captain paused, turning to look at me, his face impassive. “Cheydinhal? That burned wreck of a city? What could you possibly have to do there?”

I shrugged. “None of your concern. Thank you for the help Captain, but you’ll get back to safety faster without me.”

He crossed his arms, his eyes narrowing. “I’m not leaving you alone in a war zone, lass.”

“I do this alone,” I growled, “whether you let me or not. Don’t make me do something you’ll regret.”

The Captain stared at me accusingly for what felt like hours, before sighing and waving his hands. “Fine, whatever.” He mounted up and snapped the reins of his horse. “Stay safe, Zeldava.”

I nodded, watching him ride into the distance, before getting on Lucien’s horse and setting off in the direction of a home I hadn’t seen in nearly a decade.

<Content Warning: Attempted Suicide >

Lucien’s horse and Rex watched me step up to the shattered, charred remains of the building in Cheydinhal.

They hadn’t left yet, even though I had untied them, pulled all my belongings out of the saddlebags, and tried to shoo them away. They just stood, watching me, Rex panting and wagging his tail.

I pulled my eyes from them and looked back up at the house in front of me. I’d known it from the moment Verr showed it to me with his farsight... or… whatever he’d called it. I’d been far above Cheydinhal then, like in a dream, but seeing the charred skeleton of my childhood home even from that far away had felt like being stabbed.

Seeing it this close... well, it seemed fitting.

I stepped through the door, still on its hinges despite sitting for years in ruin. The interior still smelled of soot, dampened after nearly a decade of neglect and rot. Even with collapsed walls, burned paintings, and ashes for furniture, I could walk the layout blind-folded.

The floorboards creaked as I rounded the corner of our dining room. In reality, it was blackened soot and rot, but in my mind, it was decorated to the nines, in that style my mom had loved despite its ugliness. The floral patterns on the wall were still visible in some places, the white they’d been painted on yellowed and chipping. The dining room table she’d been so proud of was cracked in half like a sunken ship, resting on the molding remains of the rug my dad had brought back from his travels. But my eyes ignored it, in favor of the corner closest to the window.

My eyes settled on the two skeletons in the back corner of the room. My feet pulled me towards them, my legs forcing me into a crouch. Their bodies had long rotted to just bones, the wounds from the Dominion raiding party just nicks on blackened rib cages. But their hands were entwined, locked around the bracelet my mom had always worn, the one I’d sent her the day I left to train under Vanitus.

My fingers pulled it from her wrist, the bones dissolving into ash at the slightest touch. I rubbed some of the grime from the metal, took in Stendarr’s holy symbol, still engraved with the words “Keep Dad honest while I’m gone. Love, Zeldava.”

The tears were hot on my cheeks. I didn’t bother wiping them away as I returned the bracelet to Zel’s mom. My fingers were shaking in my pack as I pulled a necklace from it. It still gleamed, all these years later, like Stendarr had never left. I placed the charm between them, leaving the one piece of their daughter that still remained in this world between the parents who’d encouraged her for so long.

I pulled myself away, making my way towards the staircase, stepping cautiously over the ones that were too unstable to support my weight, and stepped softly down the hall, the rotting floor groaning in protest. I arrived at the last door on the left, and leaned in.

It was serene here. Zel’s room had always had a view of the forest that surrounded Cheydinhal, and now that I’d returned for the last time, it was still just as breathtaking as it had been then. The roof had collapsed here, burying whatever remained of the room under rubble, but the view was all the better for it.

“I’m sorry,” I said softly, the dagger sliding from my sheath. “I... should have let us die a long time ago. You deserved better, Zel.”

My fingers gripped the handle, turning the blade towards my stomach. I grit my teeth, steadied my breathing, and pulled hard, yanking the blade toward my midsection.

A whimper fell from my lips as the wolf’s roar filled my head. The dagger stopped, inches from my belly button. I collapsed to my knees, the tears streaming faster now.

“NO!” I howled. “Stay out of this, you fucking bitch!”

She whined in my head. The wolf never communicated in sentences, but she flooded my head with images. I tried to close my eyes to them, tried to force the blade into my chest, but she pulled my arms away, the dagger falling to the floor as I panted.

Val and Aes and their smiles as they married. Azazel’ s face as he’d told me I was better than I gave myself credit for. Es’set as he made tea to quiet the demon in my head. Ascela as she’d worked so excitedly on the cure. Verr as he’d told me tales of his trek to find Sovngarde.

“STOP IT!” My fingers reached for the dagger, tried again, this time aimed for my throat. My hand twisted as the wolf snapped it, a cry stifled in my mouth.

Bakes’ smile as he tended to his tavern. Aesla’ s quiet respect and questions as she looked to me for advice on the wolf. Ina’s quiet attentiveness as she studied her books. Tawana’s journeys into the depths of Craglorn. Corin’s weird attempts to swallow every dangerous food in the Rift. Vita’s questionably timed jokes.

“You’re not going to do this alone,” Valtire’s words filled my mind. The wolf whined.

“Please,” I sobbed, scrabbling for the dagger with my other hand. “Please they’re better off without me. Just... please just let me leave.”

“We need you,” Valtire’s words, uttered while he clasped Aestaril’s hand, in the dying light of Bakes’ tavern, were forced through my mind by the wolf.

“You don’t know me!” I roared, fingers locking around the dagger, its leather handle grimy and stained with tears. “How can you say that? How could you ever say that? They’re all dead because of ME!”

The wolf whined again, but it wasn’t her hand that stopped the dagger from slitting my throat. The blade was cool, heavy, resting on the skin over my throat, as I remembered all the promises I’d made, the people I’d sworn to protect.

The blade fell from my hand with a pitiful thunk and I collapsed to the floor, screaming. By the time the tears stopped, it had grown dark, the sun setting over the hills behind Cheydinhal.

“I’m sorry, Serv.” My words were a hoarse whisper.

“I guess I’m letting you down one last time.”

<Content Warning for above section: Attempted Suicide >

Chat Log

[19:48] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: rushes into the courtyard, gripping his side. The red leather on his armour seems dark under his hand, wet. He looks around frantically, his helmet seeming as if it's about to fall off.

[19:50] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: was pacing and panting, fists clenched, kicking rocks and muttering things like "fuck they're so loud" and "oh my gods shut up we are not eating them." She cuts her sentence off when Serv walks in, quirking her eyebrow in alarm, not quite recognizing who this is under all that armor. "Uh... you look hurt. Can I help you?"

[19:51] Aestaril@WailingWillows: slinks through a pale blue portal at an extremely convenient time. He looks between the two, the magicka behind him fading.

[19:54] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: stares at her from under his helmet for a long while before finally speaking, "Zeldava, I... We need to talk... Please." His voice was shaken, hurt. He looks over his shoulder as he hears a portal open, relieved to see that it was only Aestaril.

[19:54] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: furrows her brow as she connects the dots on who this is. "Serv? Fuck, what happened? Are you... bleeding?"

[19:57] Aestaril@WailingWillows: cautiously steps nearer, concern marking his previously calm features, "...let me see that wound..." he mumbles almost instinctively, adding after a moment of thought, "...I take it this is a bad time...?"

[19:59] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: nods quickly, his helmet. He lifts his hand away, his gauntlet covered in blood. "Please I... I'm fine. He... He stabbed me. Do you know..? About him? I need to know more... I'm scared."

[20:01] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: 's furrowed brow deepens. "He who? You're managing to say jack shit in a lot of words. Let me look at your stab wound while you explain who the fuck he is and what you want to know."

[20:01] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: walks up to inspect the wound, whispering a ritual of healing if Serv will let her place her hands on him.

[20:02] Aestaril@WailingWillows: keeps quiet, listening and looking to Servatius' stab wound as Zel performs her magic. "...no need to be so harsh... he appears somewhat shaken..."

[20:04] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: nods, wincing as she touches him, "I'm sorry... I'm just, I'm not sure what's happening. Lucien, he stabbed me. His house, it smells like death and ahis ceiling drips with blood. I found his secret door... Did either of you know about this?"

[20:05] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: 's eyes widen at Lucien's name. "He stabbed you? Why? I... I'll admit I knew his house smelled like death, but secret doors and ceilings dripping with blood is news to me."

[20:05] Aestaril@WailingWillows: quirks a brow at 'secret door', his expression shifting to one more grim.

[20:06] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: "He saw me... In the room... He flew into a rage and he attacked me. He has a Molag Bal statuette, a fountain of blood... It's full of corpses. He's killing people... Worse, he's sacrificing people. Please I... I need to know if either of you knew about this. I don't know what's going on... I don't know what happened to my brother..." His voice+

[20:07] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: shakes as he starts to weep under his helmet, looking down at where his wound was.

[20:08] Aestaril@WailingWillows: steps nearer to Servatius, his gaze landing on Zel in anticipation of what she'll say.

[20:09] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: steps away from Serv, her ritual complete. A mix of pain and confusion crosses her face and she's quiet for a while, pacing. "I.... I knew he was a molag bal cultist. But he..." her words fall off a cliff as she gives up on whatever excuse she was going to make. "He told me he was forced into it."

[20:11] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: grits his teeth, "That day... When we got separated... He joined them? I thought he just..." He pauses for a moment, "You knew? And you stayed with him any way? Do you have no respect for what Bal did to our homeland??? I..." He stops, "It's not your fault, I'm sorry... Even if he was forced into it... Don't you think it's suspicious that he+

[20:12] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: continues? Despite being so far from the city? So far from all of it?"

[20:15] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: 's face darkens as Serv's words get louder and more aggressive. Her words are a snarl as she snaps back. "If you ever fucking imply I've forgotten what Molag Bal did to my home, I'll paint the floor with your guts." She looks away, clenching her firsts, before slowly continuing. "Sorry, I... I thought he'd stopped. He kept... trying to do bettter.+

[20:17] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: 's eyes land on Aestaril, looking away immediately as pain fills her face. "Up until recently, he'd even started acting like a good man. Was it suspicious? Fuck I don't know, but if he was truly being forced to do it, I had to help do... something to fix it."

[20:18] Aestaril@WailingWillows: doesn't say anything, as it would seem inappropriate to do so. Though he disagrees that Lucien has acted like a good man up until recently.

[20:20] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: "I want to believe he can be helped... But what I saw? I don't think he can. He's not just killing them... He's torturing them, defiling them, giving their souls to Coldharbour. He's not just feeding, he's not being controlled. People who are being forced to do things, they don't... The bodies don't look like that after. I'm sorry... I know this+

[20:22] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: is sudden but I need your help... I don't know where he is, I don't know if he's following me after I got away, looking for me maybe. But we need to stop him. I... I would ask the Fighter's Guild, my co-workers, my friends... But, he's my brother, I don't want... I don't want to tell them what's happened. I just want it to go away."

[20:25] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: "I"ve known you for less than a godsdamn hour, Serv. How the fuck am I supposed to believe what you're saying? You're asking me to go with you to murder my fucking boyfriend." She breaks her stare at Serv, looking back at the floor, like even she was questioning what the fuck she was saying. She thinks, before speaking again. "If I go +

[20:26] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: anywhere with you, it's to get the truth out of him first. Anything that happens after that depends entirely on what Lucy says. Got that?"

[20:27] Aestaril@WailingWillows: obligatory keeps quiet emote.

[20:29] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: nods, "I... I understand. I know I'm asking a lot, and you deserve answers... I just hope you side with me and not him. If not, well.... I'd rather not think about it." He looks down to Aestaril, "I'm sorry you're here... But we could use your help as well."

[20:31] Aestaril@WailingWillows: was really hoping Servatius wouldn't say that. Not that he wouldn't offer to help, though. His calm composure cracks slightly, giving way to obvious fear, but he nods quietly in agreement to accompany.

[20:33] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: runs her thumb over the scars in her palm, inspecing them before looking up to see Aestaril's nod. "If I side with him, nothing will happen to you. I don't hurt innocent people. You said you don't know where he is Serv. What makes you think Aes or I know?"

[20:34] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: shakes his head, "That's not why I'm here... I needed answers, you are the only ones I know who are close to him, this is the only location I knew where to find you... I think we should check his home. My three guesses are he's either chasing me, running as far away as he can... Or he's holed up in his home waiting for me to come back. Only one+

[20:35] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: of those actually give us a location to go to."

[20:35] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: nods, clenching her fist and gritting her teeth. "Fine, then let's get this over with."

[20:37] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: looks down to Aestaril, "Can you...? A portal?"

[20:38] Aestaril@WailingWillows: snaps out of some thought, looking up to Servatius with wary eyes. "Ah... yes." he turns briskly, opening a portal to Lucien's residence, waiting for them to enter first.

[20:38] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: brushes by Serv as she steps through the portal, not saying another word.

[20:40] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: is super not waiting to see if anyone followed her, and walks towards the door, planning on either busting it open or breaking it open, whichever is more appropriate to her level of pissed-ness and the doors level of locked-ness

[20:41] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: jogs up behind Zel, looking back at aestaril to check on him, "Wait! I... What if he attacks you too?"

[20:42] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: growls at Serv, moments from just kicking in the door. "Then I'll fucking murder him."

[20:42] Aestaril@WailingWillows: follows behind, eyes darting around the place.

[20:43] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: (!) As they enter Rex can be heard whining in the corner. He's pressed up against the wall, shaking. His eyes are wide, watching Zel closely.

[20:44] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: 's eyes dart around the room, landing on Rex, her face softening for a moment. She speaks quietly to Serv. "Where was that secret room?"

[20:45] Aestaril@WailingWillows: peers through the presumably kicked-in door, glancing about. He looks to Rex, mouthing the words 'sweetheart' but is evidently not willing to waltz over.

[20:45] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: points up the stairs, "It's up there... The key... It's probably not there anymore. If he's here, he's probably still in the room."

[20:46] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: (!) Rex carefully approaches Aestaril, hiding behind him. He looks up at him, still whining. Rex very clearly did not want to be here.

[20:46] Aestaril@WailingWillows: relates to Rex deeply at the moment.

[20:46] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: nods, walking to the stairs. She'd like to think she's the kind of person who gives people the benefit of the doubt, but she absolutely is acting like there's someone waiting to stab her around every corner, checking every turn before making it and keeping her hand near the handle of her greatsword.

[20:49] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: walks up to the cabinet, reaching around the back. The seal was already broken. "This is it... The door. You just move this to the side. There's a keyhold in the side but it's already unlocked..."

[20:49] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: (!) As Servatius goes to open the hidden door, Lucien screams out to them, "GET OUT! I THOUGHT YOU LEFT JUST GET OUT!" his yells turn into incoherent screaming, he sounds like he's in pain, crying, or both.

[20:49] Aestaril@WailingWillows: jumps and winces at the shouting, keeping close to the walls.

[20:51] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: 's fists are clenched, a few drops of blood hitting the ground. She seems startled by the screaming, reaching out with one hand as her eyes widen, like she might comfort the man screaming with a gesture of her hand. Pain flashes on her face as she realizes what her instincts are actually telling her to do. ((ASSUMING HER PLAYER CAN FIGURE OUT +

[20:51] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: WHERE IT IS)) She steps through the hidden door.

[20:52] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: pulls the cabinet to the side as Zel goes to step into the room.

[20:56] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: is standing up near his shrine, fully armoured and hunched over. His hands are bloody and he's barely holding it together. He looks down at Aestaril and Zel, "You... Why are you here? He brought you here? To help him kill me? You're not going to, right? I... Zel, you wouldn't." He's stil lvery clearly crying.

[20:56] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: (!) The death hound in the room approaches them, bearing his teeth and growling.

[20:57] Aestaril@WailingWillows: shrinks away slightly upon entering the room and seeing Lucien, sticking close to the doorway.

[20:57] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: reaches for his sword and shield, stepping back away from the dog

[20:57] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: steps up the stairs slowly, not going too far cause Death hound, yknow. She looks around the room with a mixture of shock, pain, and grim acceptance. "He told me his side of the story. I came here because I needed to know if any of what he said was true." There are tears in her eyes as she adds. "Please tell me its not, Lucy."

[21:00] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: pulls his helmet off, tossing it to the side. He looks down at her, his illusion gone. His snowy skin covered in veins and discolouration. The same corpsey look he had when he first told her what he was. "If what was true? You already knew what I am, Zel."

[21:02] Aestaril@WailingWillows: looks back and forth between Lucien and the death hound, a spell on his frightened mind.

[21:02] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: steps a little closer, to the top of the platform, assuming the hound doesn't stop her. "I know what you are, but I know men just like you who don't do any of the things Serv claimed you do. He said..." she takes a deep breath, pausing to wipe at her cheek with a bloody fist. "That you tortured them, that you did it willingly, that you stabbed +

[21:02] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: (!) The hound is fixated on Aestaril

[21:03] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: him, your own brother. And..." She looks around at all the horrible things in the room. "I... don't know what any of the rest of this would be for. Please, just... tell me the truth, Lucy."

[21:07] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: smiles through his tears, "Of course I'm the bad guy, Zeldava. I wanted you to understand, I wanted you to join me. I thought because you are what you are that you felt the same desires I did. I wanted you to embrace them but every time I tried to bring it up you shot me down and seemed as if you might kill me. But then I started to care for you+

[21:07] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: genuinely care for you, and want to be with you even if I could convince you. That's why this is happening, isn't it? Because I still wanted to love people. I never... I never should have told you, I never should have brought him here. Are you going to kill me?"

[21:08] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: (!) The death hound lunges at Aestaril, trying to bite him on his arm ((I'm so sorry LMAO I NEED HIM TO DO SOMETHING

[21:09] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: ((also I made a typo fucking kill me. EVEN IF I COULDN'T CONVINCE YOU***

[21:10] Aestaril@WailingWillows: jumps back from the death hound that hates him in particular for some fucking reason, abstaining from casting a spell in fear of drawing the owner's ire.

[21:11] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: swings his sword at the death hound's legs, cutting into him. The dog whines in pain and runs over to Lucien, slinking by his side and holding his paw up in a limp.

[21:12] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: 's given up on the idea of not crying, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Lucy, listen to me, I'm not here to kill you. I need to know the truth. I need to know what happened that would make Serv track me down just to come find you. I need to know why he says you stabbed him. Please, I... I want to believe you, I want to help you, I want to get you+

[21:13] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: away from the cult that did this to you, but I need you to tell me what happened. Please. We don't have to be the bad guys, we can help each other out of this."

[21:13] Aestaril@WailingWillows: grips his chest with one hand, clutching onto the door frame for some sort of support with the other.

[21:13] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: steps in front of Aestaril, keeping his sword in front of him incase the dog returned. He keeps an eye on Zeldava and Lucien, letting them finish their conversation but feeling very uneasy.

[21:17] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: growls as he speaks, his eyes wild and his stance feral, "Don't you fucking get it? I like what I am! I like doing what I do. It's the only thing that makes me feel... This good. I love it. I wish you loved it too, but you don't, do you? I don't want to lie to you anymore, it's exhausting. Why can't you just embrace what you are? Why do you need+

[21:17] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: to cling onto being the good guy? You aren't the fucking good guy, Zeldava. You kill people too."

[21:17] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: "Why not enjoy it?"

[21:25] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: 's eyes widen as Lucy's words sink in, surprise momentarily flooding her face. She stutters for words, taken aback by Lucy's sudden change in demeaner. "This... Lucy this isn't you. You know why I don't enjoy killing. You know some of the things I've done. What would make you think that I'd ever revel in taking a life? How could you ever say +

[21:25] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: anything like what I've done is good?"

[21:28] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: steps forward, his feet heavy as they slam down onto the wooden boards, "This IS who I am, Zeldava. This is what I've always been... I just didn't want you to know because I didn't want you to leave me. You either accept me as I am, or you don't. I can't hide it anymore. My disguise has been falling for awhile now, I can't keep it up."

[21:28] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: (!) The death hound also steps forward, placing his bleeding paw back down onto the floor.

[21:29] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: climbs the steps, standing beside Zeldava in case something happened. He looks back, making sure Aestaril was okay.

[21:30] Aestaril@WailingWillows: jolts at every heavy footstep, gaze set on Lucien in anticipation of conflict.

[21:32] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: snarls, her fangs flashing for a moment, fists unclenching as her claws slide further out. She looks down at her hands for a split second, fear on her face as she looks back up at Lucy. "I... please, I need to know the truth. You say this is who you really are. I... want to accept you, but I have to know the truth."

[21:33] Aestaril@WailingWillows: inches ever so slightly nearer, looking to Servatius and preparing a protective spell.

[21:34] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: reaches down and grabs the death hound's collar, similar to what he does with Rex, "What truth? I told you my truth. What... Specific truth so you want? If I stabbed him?" His eyes flash to Servatius, "Of course I did. He wants to kill me, can't you see that? This is why I didn't want... This is why I was scared to reach out to him."

[21:34] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: "But you told me to anyway, you told me he would understand. Does he look like he understands?"

[21:35] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: trips over his words, gripping his sword tighter, "You're hurting people, Lucien... I can't... This isn't right."

[21:36] Aestaril@WailingWillows: slinks just a tad bit nearer to be able to cast a spell on Serv, as it seems it'll be needed.

[21:37] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: shakes her head, her words quiet, but tinged with a voice she's desperately trying to fight off. "What do you do to them, the innocents you kill? Were you really forced to do this, or was that just a lie too?" She slams her hand out, catching Serv's chest armor, her claws making metallic clinking sounds. "I swear to the gods +

[21:38] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: Serv, if you hurt him, I'll rip your fucking throat out." Her words are practically a roar, but her eyes never leave Lucy's.

[21:39] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: shrinks back, not wanting to fucking die. Too bad that wasn't up to him.

[21:42] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: grins, "Depends on what you mean what do I do with them. I give their souls to Him, then I play with the remains and feast on them. What did you think being devout to a Daedric Prince entitled? Specifically the King of Rape, Prince of Domination? Forced is a strong word, I may have... Embelished the truth, but it was only way to get you to stay.+

[21:42] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: I lied to you because I didn't want you to hate me."

[21:43] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: 's face twists as the wolf she'd been so barely fighting off roars, her hand darting out to grab Lucy's throat and slam him against the altar behind him ((pausing to see if that works before saying what she says as she does this

[21:59] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: roars as she tries to grab Lucy's throat. "Lied to me? Because you didn't want me to hate you? You really didn't think that through, did you, you dumb fucking slut?"

[22:02] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: steps back, avoiding her hand. The hound pounces at Zel, attempting to sink it's jagged teeth into her exposed arm. "You didn't really think that would work did you? You always go for my throat. Ever since the day we had to nurse aestaril back to health... Throat grab, pushing me up against a wall. Predictable, always so predictable." He looks to+

[22:02] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: Servatius as his brother runs towards him.

[22:02] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: lunges forward, sword in hand. He manages to strike Lucien in his side, his sword sinking into his necrotic flesh. He wonders if it's really smart to fight a vampire in armour that leaves your neck exposed... He considered this too late, it seems.

[22:03] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: yelps in pain, rage taking hold of his face. He grabs Servatius' helmet, ripping it off and throwing it over to where his now sat. Servatius' freezes, not knowing what to do. Lucien leans in and sinks his teeth into his brother's neck.

[22:03] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: screams out, his voice ringing through the house as he grabs Lucien's face and tries to pull him off. He drops his sword, the metal clattering against the wooden boards. "H-help... Me..." manages to slip out from his lips inbetween his screams.

[22:05] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: roars as the dog bites her, her last bits of control slipping. She grabs the dog with her other hand pulling him off her as her bones snap and fur slids across her skin. She holds it in front of face as her teeth slip into daggers in her muzzle, her ears elongate and flatten against her head, and her legs crack and reshape, claws digging into the +

[22:07] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: floor. Her head cocks to the side as she holds the dog by its neck, pulling her other hand up, gripping the dogs stomach, and holding it in place as she pulls its head from its body, dropping the two pieces of its corpse to the floor as she turns on Lucy, claws bared, leaping at him with a snarl to try and pull him off Serv.

[22:07] Aestaril@WailingWillows: steps forward, hissing with rage upon seeing Lucien bite Servatius and sending a bolt of flame after the corpsefucker with a trembling hand.

[22:11] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: is easy prey as he bites into his brother's neck, he is grabbed and ripped off of Servatius. He is hit by the fire, howling in pain as the fire burns his vampiric skin and cooks him inside of his own armour.

[22:15] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: howls in triumph as she slams Lucy against the wall, pinning him and holding him off his feet with her right hand. Her left claw digs into his chest plat, ripping at the metal to expose his chest, before sinking her claws deep into his stomach and pulling, hard, at any organs she finds inside.

[22:15] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: ((**PLATE

[22:16] Aestaril@WailingWillows: staggers back, finding himself unable to take action, his mind racing but his body frozen.

[22:17] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: stumbles back, grabbing onto his neck. Blood pouring out from his wound and running down his hands and his armour. He starts to cry again, "Why did you join them? They killed everyone we knew, Lucien! They were the enemy! I dedicated the last six years to fighting them, I thought they killed you too... Why..." He watches as Zel grabs Lucien,+

[22:17] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: his speech devolving into sobs as he slumps down onto the floor, bleeding everywhere.

[22:20] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: stares into Zel's wolf eyes as she grabs him. He smiles for the last time, "Your wolf makes you strong, but your heart makes you weak. Both of you."

[22:29] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: howls in triumph as she slams Lucy against the wall, pinning him and holding him off his feet with her right hand. Her left claw digs into his chest plat, ripping at the metal to expose his chest, before sinking her claws deep into his stomach and pulling, hard, at any organs she finds inside.

[22:34] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: (!) The house rumbles as the 'life' fades from Lucien's face. His screams can still be heard though, as cold fire rises up around his body, pushing Zeldava back. Even as his body turns to ashes, the screams continue. "NO! STOP! I WAS SO LOYAL TO YOU! I'M DYING BECAUSE OF YOU! YOU CAN'T... YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!" his screaming fades, +

[22:35] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: leaving behind only demonic cackling, low and gravelly. That too fades soon, the only sound remaining being Servatius sobbing as he desparately tries to stop the bleeding.

[22:36] Aestaril@WailingWillows: holds himself while the house rumbles and Lucien shrieks for the last time, regaining his senses as everything goes silent save for Servatius' sobs. He stumbles nearer to Servatius, holding his head against his chest, pale blue magicka twinkling from his hands as he attempts to summon restoration spells.

[22:37] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: (!) a familiar ring rolls out of Lucien's pocket, towards Aestaril

[22:39] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: staggers backwards looking down at the ash. For a moment, she turns, seeing two people who are significantly less disintegrated. A snarl escapes her lips as she leaps at Aes and Serv, before something seems to pull at her, sending her over the two of them and slamming her skull into the wall behind them. She collapses to the ground, beeding and +

[22:39] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: looks up to Aestaril, his face pale and his eyes wide, "Don't I... I've lost too much, I think..."

[22:39] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: sobbing as her body contorts back into its human form.

[22:39] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: shrinks into Aestaril as Zeldava leaps over them, frightened.

[22:41] Aestaril@WailingWillows: tries to summon the power to heal Servatius anyways, failing. He looks down to his friend through wide, glassy eyes, croaking out, "...Zeldava... your magic..." he trails off as he sees Zel sobbing and contorted.

[22:43] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: pulls herself away from the wall, wobbly, unable to stand, but still resting a hand on Serv's shoulder. She mutters a prayer, tears still streaming down her face. "Please... please don't let them both die tonight. I... I don't deserve your mercy but he does."

[22:45] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: 's movement slows, his body loosening as Aestaril holds him.

[22:47] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: (!) A thin yellow light pulses from Zel's hand at the start of her ritual, looking just like any other heal spell she's done. As her prayer finishes and she begs for Stendarr to listen, the light abruptly stops. She pulls her hand away like she was burned, staring down at her hands before collapsing backwards, pulling her knees close as her sobs +

[22:47] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: intensify. "I'm... I'm so sorry Serv. I..." her words are swallowed as she tries to say "trusted you," unable to even give a decent apology to a man she'd failed so thoroughly.

[22:48] Aestaril@WailingWillows: 's frail body is wracked with a painful, heavy sob, causing him to double over into Servatius whom he still holds tightly.

[22:49] Servatius Lex@Lethal_Nightshade: finally stops moving completely, all life fading from his body. His body was nothing more than meat now.

[22:53] Aestaril@WailingWillows: grasps the lifeless body as if squeezing would revive it. He remains hunched over into poor Servatius, who hadn't deserved any of this.

[22:54] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: sobs for a very long time, long enough that her tears run dry and her throat begins to burn. Her energy abandons her, and she's left with a cold star, eyes peering out over her knees, at the two dead Lex brothers, wondering how many more innocent lives will be on her head, and how much longer she can justify existing.

[22:57] Aestaril@WailingWillows: raises his head, still looking down to Serv, "...Z-Zeldava... bring Servatius out of this place..." he looks about the room, "...then... burn this down, I don't know..."

[22:58] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: (!) Rex comes up the stairs, still whining softly. He enters the room, climbing the wooden steps up to the armour his master wore so often. He sniffs it, nudging it with his nose. He cries louder, nudging it harder, as if that would make it move.

[22:59] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: stands slowly from her seated position at Zel's words. She says nothing as she leans over to pet Rex, offering him a scrap of food from her pouch, hoping he'll follow her. She turns and grabs Serv's body, slinging it over her shoulder soundlessly. Even as she moves to leave the room, she never once meets Aestaril's eyes.

[22:59] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: ((**AT AES'S WORDS

[23:00] Aestaril@WailingWillows: let's go of Servatius as Zel pulls him away, staying on the floor.

[23:02] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: (!) Rex looks up at Zel, then back at the armour. He doesn't know where Lucien is, but he does know Zel is a friend. He sticks close to Zel, still frantically looking around... As if his friend was going to show up any second and give him a cuddle.

[23:02] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: leaves the room with Serv's body ((while her player waits to see if anyone is following

[23:03] Aestaril@WailingWillows: remains on the floor, looking at the wooden planks below him. He seems to have intention of following Zel.

[23:04] Aestaril@WailingWillows: ((**n o intention THAT REALLY CHANGES THE EMOTE

[23:05] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: (!) The ring is still near Aestaril, gleaming, looking lovely. A perfect way to hide vampirism. You know, that thing his husband has.

[23:05] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: realizes Aestaril isn't following her and speaks in a voice that is hoarse from crying. "Aes, I thought you said you wanted this place burned down. I can't do that if you're still here."

[23:07] Aestaril@WailingWillows: 's gaze lands on the ring, taking it, inspecting it absentmindedly. He clutches it and stands with wobbly legs, following.

[23:07] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: actually leaves now, shouldering serv's body in a firemann carry, ignoring the blood that's slowly seeping into her armor

[23:09] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: sets Serv's body against the tree, taking time to lean him in a position that looks like it might be comfortable and peaceful. She turns, pulling a torch from her pack and lights it, returning inside only long enough to light enough fires to guarantee the place burns down.

[23:10] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: (!) JOOFY SMELLS SMOKE AND RUNS OUT FROM THE STABLES OUT BACK, PANICKING

[23:11] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: approaches joofy, cooing softly, patting him and offering a carrot she would usually reserve for her horse.

[23:12] Lucien Lex@Deadly_Nightshade: (!) Joofy stomps his feet, looking around frantically. He notices the carrot, and then recognizes Zel as the nice lady his master likes. He calms down, ready to be taken away

[23:13] Aestaril@WailingWillows: scratches his wrists, reopening a wound to cause some pain to distract himself. He looks about, then over his shoulder and back to the house as it burns. He speaks softly, almost too softly to hear, "...I am unsure where Se... Serva... Servatius... would want to be buried..."

[23:16] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: turns to face Aestaril, not meeting his gaze or looking at Serv's corpse. "They grew up in the Imperial City. I have contacts with the Pact. I can't get his body that far, but I can bury him where he can see the home he never got to return to."

[23:18] Aestaril@WailingWillows: nods, looking down to his hands, again flickering with magicka, "...a portal... do you need one...?"

[23:20] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: collects Serv's body, wrapping his wounds in the tabard she hadn't put back on from the Tavern. "No. Serv deserves to see some of Cyrodiil before I let him down again. Could you... freeze him? To slow the decay?"

[23:22] Aestaril@WailingWillows: looks again to Serv, staring for a few long, agonizlingly silent moments. He stumbles over to his friend, gingerly placing his hands over him, freezing him over.

[23:24] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: turns to leave, pausing at the door. "I might not be around the Company for awhile, Aes. Keep an eye on them while I'm gone, please. I... I'm sorry."

[23:25] Aestaril@WailingWillows: looks down to his lap, "...why are you apologizing to me...? I'm alive." he says nothing further on the matter of the company.

[23:27] Zeldava Ellis@ZenatheShadow: pushes open the door, pulling on Joofy's reigns and stepping out into Craglorn. "Because you were right, Aestaril. You always were." The door closes behind her and she's gone.